My cat died today

Today was supposed to be an extraordinarily ordinary Sunday. I woke up a tad earlier, got up and made breakfast, filled the bowl of water for the cat, greeted the children for the morning. All of a sudden, a yowl was heard.

Now my cat does yowl at times. More for attention than anything. Suddenly I noticed something is wrong. He’s breathing harder, as if there is a hairball stuck in his throat. That’s not natural. Gradually, the distress increased, and I… panicked. I called the nearest pet ER, called the big bear and urgently asked him to come home early. By the time I picked him up to go, I felt something wet. Cat has pissed himself. I was all panic, crying, pleading to wait a little longer.

Today was not an ordinary day. Life sometimes indeed just throws things at you and you are painfully reminded that you are never in control of the circumstances. He died on the way to the clinic. Didn’t even felt like I had a chance to fight for his life. I felt like I made him suffer through the ordeal. Maybe I am being hard on myself, but maybe it is the only way I will feel I was in any control. But alas, I do not have that.

R.I.P. my Talisker, you will be missed. 



Once again, I write

There is more than five attempts of journal writing, blogging, that I did since my adulthood. Memories of read diaries, not so open secrets, and forced transparency has robbed me the pleasure of just being a good writer. Plus I am as always, a bad finisher. My dreaded fear as always is that I leave things in the middle, never finishing, as I am terrified of the ending.

Which is always the source of wonder as to why, of all social service careers, I chose geriatric/skilled facility care. I could have done better with working at attempts at recreating beginnings, fixing the parts to make systems more efficient, or just about other things that reflects my feeble attempts to write. Instead my focus has turned to dignity, respect, easing clients and families about the “end.” I still have not known what is the meaning behind what we do, or why we do them. But until then, like a good writer, I will keep trying.